I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
