if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
