So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
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