What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
