i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
