; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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