I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
