Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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