i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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