I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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