i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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