Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
