I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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