Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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