Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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