My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
