I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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