Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Floor bacon is actually really good
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