first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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