3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
