make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
