This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
