Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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