and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
