i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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