and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
