And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
