I think I died a long time ago.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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