even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
