I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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