She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
