wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She told me I should be a condom model.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
