He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
