What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
