go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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