I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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