News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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