Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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