it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My dick has a subreddit
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize