the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
