Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
