wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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