he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
