I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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