At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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