i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
