His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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