There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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