I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize