Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
