So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
