you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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