Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
