Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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