I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
