and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
