I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
