DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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