im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
