and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize