I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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